i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
