Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
