I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
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