he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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