I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
