we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
