when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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