Please, let me fuck your mom
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
