false alarm. still invincible.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
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