kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
