1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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