my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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