Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
