I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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