I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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