Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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