Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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