So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
