I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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