I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
