i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
