The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I want her autograph on my taint
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
