woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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