I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
