Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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