this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
