Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
