i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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