He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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