I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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