My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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