she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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