I am spending my child support on dildos
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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