Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
