Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
