it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
