I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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