dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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