fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
