My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
