I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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