Your dad touched me again.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
