My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Found your dick twin last night
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
