the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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