I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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