Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
