I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
bring money and cleavage
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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