I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
