i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just pee around me
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
