I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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