Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
